As we approach the concave middle of January, land of detox, naked trees and dark evenings, December and its joyous lights, capitalism-based optimism and mountains of cholesterol seems another world away. We forget \u2013 or re<\/em>gret \u2013 the raucousness of December, the states we get into and the inhibitions we cast off like a vintage mink slipping to the floor to reveal our true selves. Were we even the same person? Is this pathetic creature barely keeping up on the treadmill the same brave warrior who climbed a tree with a bottle of Prosecco in each hand plus a Santa hat AND reindeer deely-boppers on their head? Can you be nostalgic for something that happened two weeks ago?<\/p>\n Well, apparently you can, because today\u2019s date, as will become apparent very early on, very clearly happened at the fag-end of 2018. Exhibit A:<\/p>\n You may call it clickbait, but that is a *headline*. Let\u2019s hope it lives up to its promise. There is an old in-joke among the LGBTQ community that women-only couples move fast, like lightning<\/em> fast. It sounds like a sexist stereotype, which of course it is, but that doesn\u2019t mean it isn\u2019t sometimes true. Almost every lesbian friend I\u2019ve ever had has zoomed through all the obligatory dating and courting niceties and got straight to the crux of it \u2013 the relationship, the love. You might feel they\u2019re missing out (are they though?!) or even wonder why it happens this way so often, and the only answer I can really think of is that there isn\u2019t some man in the way, messing them about, playing games and being generally obstructive to happiness. Happy to hear your theories too (I\u2019m just saying that to be polite; please don\u2019t write in.)<\/p>\n Anyway, read the date<\/a>, and take a good look at Joanne and Morgan in a full-length situation:<\/p>\n Well I think we can safely say mission accomplished there, even without reading on.<\/p>\n Out of all these first impressions, the best one is early, if only because the opposite of early is \u201clate\u201d and that\u2019s such a negative. I know, because I am told very often, some people can\u2019t help being late and it\u2019s not malicious or anything like that and I understand \u2013 nobody wants someone to arrive to meet you anxious, worried, and sweating from that run from the bus stop. But by the same token, who would want to stand around waiting like a spare prick at a wedding for ages, or arrive late to find the person you were meeting distressed and, worst of all, late-cross, which is such a deep funk it may take days to come out from. Just try your best to be on time, text often, be apologetic, and, importantly, the first round is on you and it should be something speedily intoxicating. Anyway, no worries here as Joanne and Morgan know how to behave (unless Joanne was late, but if she was Morgan doesn\u2019t seem to mind because\u2026 well, read the headline again).<\/p>\n Can\u2019t remember<\/strong> \u2705 OK, so this is a lot. Shall we read it again?<\/p>\n Right. Let\u2019s take a minute. I know we\u2019ve all got whiplash from this escalation but we need to stay focused. We\u2019ve gone from illegally parking an Austin Maestro in a \u201cparent and child\u201d parking space outside Asda to spacecraft zooming toward, and landing on, the dark side of the moon in about seven seconds.<\/p>\n As I\u2019ve said on many occasions, the gays get. it. done. I don\u2019t know what it is about the male-female couples but they\u2019re so wrapped up in societal norms and weird rules and regulations that have suffocated them for centuries \u2013 sometimes I think they like it that way \u2013 that the dates usually end up in missed opportunities, mere brushes against the cheek, awkward hugs on Tube platforms and non-committal \u201cyeah maybe\u201d conclusions. \u201cThe only thing I\u2019d change is I would have had the beetroot strudel\u201d \u2013 honestly, piss off. Barely enough to get your porridge bubbling.<\/p>\n Now, while there\u2019s definitely been a trend for lesbian and gay men couples acting all prim and proper \u2013 you\u2019re 24, Steve, unbutton the collar of your blouse, ffs \u2013 on occasion the LGBTQ crew deliver. They know only too well just how impossible it was not that<\/em> long ago to express your sexuality \u2013 and for many many many people those challenges remain \u2013 and they\u2019re taking life, these rights, these modern times, this ostensible freedom, in both hands and squeezing them harder than your window cleaner wrings out his chamois.<\/p>\n And this is why, in 2019 \u2013 Plenty Nineteen?<\/em> \u2013 with all those struggles ahead of us and no end in sight, we have two women out on a date who have decided, \u201cfuck it, the world is a spinning dumpster and I can either be mere kindling for its fire or I can be accelerant and go out with a bang\u201d. And, reader, by the look, feel, smell, and sound of it, they did indeed bang. \ud83d\udca5\u00a0\ud83d\udca5\u00a0\ud83d\udca5<\/p>\n Queens.<\/p>\n Not only did they bang \u2013 which on most dates is enough, tbh \u2013 they connected! They are fun, so had<\/em> fun! Plus, also, while alcohol is not the be-all and end-all, we do live in a culture where it is (for some reason) more fun getting drunk if the other person you\u2019re with also wishes to get drunk. Where would these women be if one of them had said no thanks to that fourth negroni (YUK btw, sorry I cannot let that one go by me)? I tell where they\u2019d be \u2013 home, separately, knickers on. It\u2019s no kind of life.<\/p>\n FUN<\/strong>, like the kind of person who would positively encourage you to take your knickers off at a stranger\u2019s party. TACTILE<\/strong>, as in she prodded me in the shoulder until I helped her take off her knickers. Like Christmas never went away.<\/p>\n Two tens. Double-10. A collective 20. Does this ever happen? I never keep track; life is too short for spreadsheets. But it feels like the start of something. (And perhaps the end, several people have called on me to retire my reviews after today, so thanks for that.)<\/p>\n Either way, this is a full marks situation and I guess, well, I hadn\u2019t really prepared anything but I suppose I should thank the Academy, the Guardian, my laptop, my two-finger typing, my readers, but most of all Joanne and Morgan for doing the only we\u2019ve ever wanted a couple on a Blind Date to do = STOP. PISSING. ABOUT. AND. BANG.<\/p>\n Rejoice! These women have saved January.<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t matter what happens next, whether that second date came to fruition, or that cat got to meet a new stepmum. Because we will always have this moment, today \u2013 this one perfect, bawdy date, that ended in a fat round 20, with no knickers on. And nobody can take it away from us.<\/p>\n Joanne and Morgan ate at <\/i>Emelia\u2019s Crafted Pasta<\/a>, London E1 \u2013 what was in that linguine? We\u00a0should be told. Fancy a blind date? Email <\/i>blind.date@theguardian.com<\/a>.\u00a0If you\u2019re looking to meet someone like-minded, visit <\/i>soulmates.theguardian.com<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n NOTE:\u00a0<\/strong>The comments I make are based on the answers\u00a0given by the\u00a0participants. My responses are always based on my own thoughts and not\u00a0influenced by others\u00a0although I do love to hear what you think. If you\u00a0came here for a\u00a0roasting, you are clearly a part-timer; I can do \u201cup\u201d too. The Guardian chooses what to publish and usually\u00a0edits answers to make the column work better on\u00a0the page, but\u00a0<\/i>get in touch<\/a>\u00a0if you want to give me your side of the story; I\u2019ll happily publish whatever you say. Underwear brands: Joanne could be\u00a0your next\u00a0influencer! Perhaps pay her to\u00a0leave a pair of your nags at every\u00a0party she goes to. Just saying.<\/i><\/p>\n BUY MY BOOK:<\/strong> Blah blah blah. Out May 28 etc etc etc. Please preorder. If\u00a0not for\u00a0love, do it out of pity<\/i>.<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Screenshot-2019-01-12-at-10.02.53.png?resize=500%2C182&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/joanne-morgan-full-length.jpg?resize=500%2C1003&ssl=1\")
<\/a>Joanne on Morgan <\/span>| Morgan on Joanne<\/span><\/h5>\n
What were you hoping for?
A fun evening on the Guardian\u2019s dime!<\/span><\/h5>\nSomeone to break up the week.<\/span><\/h5>\n
First impressions?
Cute, chatty and early.<\/span><\/h5>\nSuper tall with really nice eyes.<\/span><\/h5>\n
What did you talk about?
I can\u2019t really remember much after four negronis and wine but: books, scumbag Tories, coming out.<\/span><\/h5>\nI can\u2019t wholly remember. Maybe, failing sex education in UK schools and her fairly ugly but sadly estranged cat.<\/span><\/h5>\n
Four negronis<\/strong> \ud83e\udd2e
All in all this is a good selection. I am very anti-politics on a first date, just because it\u2019s so boring and also I feel it has unnecessarily shoved celebrity gossip into being a very low-grade interest, but when you think about it almost everything in our lives is touched by politics in some way so perhaps not talking about politics in 2019 is nigh impossible.
Cat<\/strong>\u00a0\ud83d\udc08\u00a0I don\u2019t want to make any assumptions about this pair\u2019s sexuality but, look, yes, lesbians have cats get over it. Sad that it\u2019s estranged. Is it estranged because it has decided Joanne isn\u2019t generous enough with the IAMS, or has it been whisked away by a former lover? Saying goodbye to a pet post break-up is like losing custody of a child, except the cat doesn\u2019t ignore your calls until they want \u00a3100 for \u201ca thing\u201d<\/p>\nAny awkward moments?
Probably when we got kicked out of the house party we crashed. And leaving my knickers behind. I think I also fell over at some point.<\/span><\/h5>\nI walked into a glass wall at one point and my head still has a bump.<\/span><\/h5>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/the-favourite-olivia-colman-collapse.gif?resize=350%2C350&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nAny awkward moments?
Probably when we got kicked out of the house party we crashed. And leaving my knickers behind. I think I also fell over at some point.<\/span><\/h5>\nI walked into a glass wall at one point and my head still has a bump.<\/span><\/h5>\n
Good table manners?
Excellent, we both spoke with our mouths full.<\/span><\/h5>\nWho really cares?<\/span><\/h5>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/carol-cate-blanchette-wine.gif?resize=500%2C157&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nBest thing about Morgan?
Her energy, intelligence and sense of humour. And she was up for getting pissed.<\/span><\/h5>\nShe is obscenely fun.<\/span><\/h5>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/tumblr_meum9mNARG1rihmbmo1_500.gif?resize=500%2C250&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nWould you introduce her to your friends?
Absolutely.<\/span><\/h5>\nYes, asap.<\/span><\/h5>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/thumbs-up-the-l-word.gif?resize=500%2C300&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nDescribe her in three words
Fun, interesting, fit.<\/span><\/h5>\n
INTERESTING<\/strong>, like this scenario must\u2019ve been to watch from across the room.
FIT<\/strong>, like, everyone, we banged.<\/p>\nDescribe her in three words
Tactile, funny, engaging.<\/span><\/h5>\n
FUNNY<\/strong>, like three episodes of Catastrophe<\/em> playing at once.
ENGAGING<\/strong>, like a PowerPoint or whatever. Come on, Morgan, you can do better than this.<\/p>\nWhat do you think she made of you?
Maybe that I talked a mile a minute and was a bit overexcited. Also that I am \u201ccool and hot\u201d, because that\u2019s what she said in a text to her friends, sent when I went to the loo.<\/span><\/h5>\nI think she thought I was really great, because she said she texted her friend that while she was in the bathroom.<\/span><\/h5>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/pretty-little-liars-3.gif?resize=500%2C282&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nAnd\u2026 did you kiss?
We did. A lot.<\/span><\/h5>\nSure did.<\/span><\/h5>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/sugar-rush-shag.gif?resize=245%2C168&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nMarks out of 10?
10.<\/span><\/h5>\nMarks out of 10?
10.<\/span><\/h5>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/Jodie-Foster-smile.gif?resize=350%2C195&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nWould you meet again?
Yeah, next week.<\/span><\/h5>\nWould you meet again?
Yes.<\/span><\/h5>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/theguyliner.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/tipping-the-velvet.gif?resize=250%2C149&ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/p>\nLike this:<\/h3>\n